The Calling

12/3/2019 23:00 GMT

I just got home from HTB students.

I flung my coat to one side, fumbled in my backpack for my laptop, sat down at my table, and clicked “video call” in my family group chat.

I was breathless, and I am pretty sure there were tear stains on my face.

13/3/2019 10:00 AEDT

(It’s the same time just in a different time zone, all the way on the other side of the world.)

My sister was in her math class when her laptop rang.

I imagine she quickly muted her laptop out of her reflex action.

She would not learn the reason for a call at such a bizarre time, until later that day.

13/3/2019 07:00 HKT

(Also the same time.)

My parents were sleeping; it was two hours prior to their normal waking time.

Then, all at once, four different devices in their bedroom rang (each of their iPhones and iPads).

And they got up to hear the story that I could not wait until the next morning to tell; the story that I am about to tell you now.

It was more or less a regular day, I had a couple of lectures and I spent the time in between working on my essay that is due next week.

I was reading around something called “the Haldane Principle”, and the texts that I read were not boring, but they were not exceptionally intriguing.

Well, all but one text, I suppose.

I stumbled upon a text about the person, Lord Haldane, and it read much more like a narrative than a report. This was rather refreshing considering I had spent hours just going through “scholarly papers”. Anyway, I found myself fascinated, as if each sentence of the text was drawing me further inwards.

It was really nice because I felt like I was putting into practice what I had learnt in my Investigating History and Philosophy of Science module.

I guess this mini-discovery sort of put me into the mood of really appreciating narratives, and into the mindset of wanting to document things.

I did not think much about it at that time, and I certainly did not realize that it would become relevant to me later in the day.

So, just before 7pm, I made my way from uni to South Kensington, ready to wind down after a long day.

We began, as always, with song and worship. And when I closed my eyes, I was reminded of this image that came into my head last week when we sang.

I saw God right in front of me, and He was gigantic. I was even smaller than His toe, and I basically could not see where His head was when I looked up. I mean, I knew it was there, but I just could not see it.

Now, I am not at all unaccustomed to envisioning God in front of me when I prayed. In fact, I often see His loving face in front of me as I pray; and as I tell Him what I have to say, I know that He is standing right there, listening. But in the past, God was almost always human-sized when I imagined Him, approachable and available.

Which is why last week, when I saw giant God, it elicited a sort of contemplative “huh” from me. He was wearing robes of white and somehow had a golden glow. I did not know where the image came from; it was like it just floated out of nowhere when I closed my eyes. But it did fill me with such peace, and I felt all my worries and fears dissipate when I saw God appear in front of me, reminded that He is sovereign over all.

It was amazing, but I had no idea that what I saw last week was simply a little glimpse of what I was to see this week.

It was as if last week, I was given the thumbnail, and this week, I was given the entire video.

I closed my eyes as we sang, feeling the music surround and engulf me. A lot has happened in the past week and I might as well have forgotten about that image, but when my eyelids shut, the image came back. I did not do anything deliberate at all and the image just showed up.

And as we sang, the worship leaders asked us to hold out our hands to receive the Holy Spirit. (You may not know, but this is something we do rather frequently at HTB, not really out of the ordinary.) I do normally feel the presence of the Holy Spirit wash over me, giving me this sense of calm. But yesterday, I truly, truly had an extraordinary encounter.

My eyes were closed, and the majestic image of God was still in front of me as I held my hands out at the height of my waist, palms up, elbows by my side. The moment I held my palms out, I saw the giant God shrink down to human size, and He took both of my hands firmly in His. I immediately felt this palpable warmth; the presence of God was so indescribably tangible in that moment. He still had this majestic glow, but I also felt like I was basked in this intense Love, that God was telling me that He welcomed me.

I felt tears prick at my eyes, and when I slightly opened them, I just saw this blurry image of my two hands. I am not entirely certain whether or not my fingers were spread out when I held my hand up, but I am very certain of how my hands were when I opened my eyes.

My palms were still facing up, my index finger, middle finger, ring finger and pinkie were stuck together on either hand, slightly angled inwards, and my thumbs were just slightly ajar and elevated. I could just envision how someone’s hands would fit perfectly into that opening between my thumbs and my palms.

Head down, I heard the worship leader say, “God will meet you where you are.” And I felt myself smile and think, “Yeah, He will…”

Then, I sort of looked down at my feet, and imagined a tiny person standing next to them. And then I pictured myself shrinking down to talk to that tiny person. It was a weird feeling. And I remember thinking, “Wow. God did that. For me.”

And I felt God right there in front of me again, and that feeling of being loved is honestly so hard to verbalize. I knew that God was with me.

At this point, so many things have already happened, but we have still not yet reached the most awesome event.

After we sang, Nicky and Pippa Gumbel came to speak to us, which was super exciting, because it’s not everyday that you get to hear Nicky and Pippa speak at HTB students. They spoke of their amazing stories about their faith and about the origins and evolution of HTB. It was really inspiring to hear and also so fascinating. I distinctly remember thinking, “wow, these are such interesting stories. I wonder if anyone has documented them because they would be such interesting stories to read about.”

Anyway, the talk went on, Nicky and Pippa talked about some really inspiring things, and there were a couple of quotes that hit me so hard I had to note them down on my phone.

When the talk finished, we all came together to pray for Nicky and Pippa, to thank the Lord for everything that he has done, for all his blessings, for bringing HTB to where it is today. We huddled together and it was such a cozy, home-like and supportive environment.

We then proceeded to pray for everyone there, and the leaders of the church started saying specific things and asked the people to whom those applied to come forward and receive prayer. They asked if anyone felt like they were being called into ministry, if they had just lost a mother figure, if they were just thinking of starting a business, if they felt pain in their right knee… and one by one people started coming forward to receive prayer. And honestly, I have no other explanation for that except for the fact that God was there, and that God was speaking to us.

So, there I stood in my place, thinking about each of the items that were being enunciated, knowing that nothing really applied to me yet. And I sort of started to wonder when God would call me. It was not really an impatient sense of wondering, just my thoughts started to drift. And the leaders mentioned the name Gideon from the Bible and said that for some people here God is getting rid of fear, empowering them to do things.

The feeling that what they were saying didn’t really apply to me went away, and I almost felt like a solid door was being opened. I did not remember exactly what the story of Gideon was about, so I made a mental note to go read it at home. (I will come back to how this is relevant later.)

Then that image of God coming and holding my hands came back, more vividly than ever. And I knew that God was telling me to come to Him, telling me that I needed to get to know Him better. The leaders were not saying anything at this point and the church was just filled with music.

In this period of time, that image just became increasingly sharp, increasingly bright and increasingly heavy somehow. I felt this pressure build up inside of me, and I knew that I could not keep it to myself for too much longer. Then I opened my eyes and started looking around.

I really wanted to do something about it, but I did not know what.

So, when Sam said, “I sense that there are people here getting fresh visions, and that these visions are like a burden to your heart. If that is you, please raise your hand,” I just felt my hand immediately shoot up, and it was like the pressure was relieved. Quite a few people raised their hands in that moment. Sam noted that and told people to pray for those around them who had their hands raised. And I felt people lay hands on my shoulders as they prayed for me.

I did not look to see who had placed their hands on me, but I just felt loved and accepted and supported. I continued to meditate on the vision in my head, but I actually could not make complete sense of it. And honestly, when Sam prayed for these people to realize this vision and to use it to serve the poor, I was slightly confused because I did not see how that directly related to the vision that I had.

I knew what I felt though, and there was no doubt that God’s presence was there. The clear messages that I received at that moment was that God was going to meet me where I was, and that God wanted me to get to know Him better.

That moment passed and the people around me finished praying for me. And as they lifted their hands, I thought that this whole thing was over, and I was still left with this little trace of confusion. But the music went on, and very soon I came to realize that I was wrong. Clarity was just within arm's reach.

Brace yourself to hear about this miracle.

Out of nowhere, this girl whom I have never met before, came up to me, placed a hand on my shoulder, and asked if she could pray for me. I said yes, and she introduced herself as Anna. I said, “Hi, I’m Kylie.”

Then she told me something I will never forget. (Bear in mind that I have never interacted with this person in my life.) She said that when she looked over at me, she saw God handing me scrolls. And that sort of halted my thoughts, and I was like, Wow, is this … going where I think it is going?

And then she went on to say that she felt like God was trusting me with his words, and she said, “I don’t know if you like writing…”

And I was mind-blown. I said, “Wow. Yes. I actually just started a blog last summer …”

And she told me that my words were powerful, that God wanted to use my words to touch people. She told me that I did not have to be afraid anymore. And then she prayed for me.

In that moment, I was stunned. Honestly, that is actually such an understatement.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I think I was trembling.

After she finished praying for me, the band continued singing, and I let myself linger and indulge in that state of prayer.

I knew that, in that moment, God was telling me that he knew me. Like, He REALLY knew me, better than anyone else in the entire world.

And this verse came to mind: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13)”

And then I basically sank down onto my knees, feeling the hot tears trickle down my right cheek then my left, trembling in awe of God.

And this was the song that the band was singing:

Who the Son sets free,

Oh, is free indeed.

I’m a child of God.

Yes, I am.

In my Father’s house,

There’s a place for me,

I’m a child of God.

Yes, I am.

I am chosen, not forsaken.

I am who you say I am.

You are for me, not against me.

I am who you say I am.

You know how sometimes, you don’t realize how true something is until you say it out loud? It is like this murkiness suddenly disappears all at once, and this fog that you did not even realize was there is lifted. That was what it felt like for me, over and over and over again.

God was with me in that moment, holding me so tightly.

As the gathering ended, Sam said that he hoped tonight would be a turning point for us. It is not the first time I have heard this, but last night, it was crystal clear to me that I was at a turning point.

And that night as I made my journey home, every time I thought of the image of God handing me scrolls, I would tear up.

Remember me mentioning Gideon? Well, I just reread his story right before writing this, and it became so clear to me that I was meant to read that passage. Basically, it is a passage about multiple instances of God showing Gideon signs when he asked for it. The angel of the LORD ignited the fire for Gideon’s offering, made dew drops only form on a wool fleece in the middle of an entirely dry threshing floor, and the next morning made dew form all over the threshing floor except on the completely dry wool fleece. What happened to me yesterday is basically as impossible by human logic as what Gideon saw in the passage. If it isn’t a sign from God, I have absolutely no idea what it is.