Toxic positivity (and how to deal with it)

Honestly, I just really wanted to write this post because I never realized I was guilty of toxic positivity until I saw it verbalized on someone else's social media post a couple years back, and perhaps this might be the case for you reading this now.

Being able to have a positive attitude is something that is glorified in our culture. People are praised for being able to "look on the bright side" or to "brave challenges with a smile". We are made to feel as if being positive is the "right" way to respond to difficulties, and we feel a sense of shame when we are unable to do so. This is where positivity can become toxic, because we slip into the realm of denying our real emotions.

There are several good posts on the internet explaining what toxic positivity is, like this one by Elizabeth Bernstein, and this one by Jodie Melissa. To summarize, they basically talk about how toxic positivity comes is based on the denial of negative emotions, whereas helpful optimism is based on reality.

I think that these posts provide a helpful starting point for recognizing how positivity can be toxic, and encourage us to acknowledge negative emotions - which is great. What I wanted to address specifically in this blog post is the step that follows from acknowledging our negative emotions.

The root of the problem is that toxic positivity does not recognize the complexity of the human experience, and I think simply saying that we should validate negative emotions is not enough to take us very far either.

For starters, simply being able to balance positive and negative emotions doesn't necessarily lead to "the reality of the situation". Our emotions and perceptions are often biased by our previous experiences - and quite often these are biases that we are unaware of! I definitely find that I can be insecure about performing poorly or making mistakes in certain aspects because I am afraid that other people would view it as a sign of incapability. But notice how I am making the assumption that other people will judge me, and the assumption that small mistakes can negate other things that I have worked for. What I have learned over the past few years is that people are scrutinizing me way less than I think they are.

Another example would be how I have found myself stressed about not getting into a certain school/internship, because I assume that everything else will not be "as good of an experience". Notice how I assume that being able to attain certain things are unequivocally better than others, without acknowledging the reality of my specific needs in a particular season of life.

"To know and to be known"

I like to share about my faith on my blog because I really have found it to be such a helpful framework for me to engage with the complexity of life. I think that when we are in the midst of a challenging situation, it is difficult to discern what "the truth" is. Taking the aforementioned example of other people's judgement, I can try to convince myself that other people are not going to judge me, but how can I know for sure that this is the truth? The truth that is found in Jesus is that whether other people judge me isn't important - it's what God says about me that is important. I can know my worth because Jesus demonstrated what I mean to the God of Creation by coming to die for me on the cross. What is good

Jesus claims to be "the TRUTH", and he is the manifestation of God's great love for us. He is the evidence that we have a purpose in life that is greater than ourselves, that we are recipients of a love that is unconditional. Jesus doesn't dismiss the hurt and the pain that we are experiencing, but he is right there next to us and weeping as we weep. He is the reminder that in the midst of suffering, there is One who understands us, and there is a good purpose to be achieved. Jesus is the hope that everything broken in our world will one day be restored, and His life is a demonstration of how we can experience God's power in this life by having faith in His power of healing. Jesus calls us to be part of a community that rejoices with those who rejoice, and mourns with those who mourn.

We need to ask questions, reconsider our priorities, and embed ourselves in support systems.

I want to address a few things that often result from a mindset of toxic positivity:

1. Becoming closed off from others/ putting up a façade

Toxic positivity is often exacerbated by our desire to display strength. Whether we would like to admit it or not, it matters to us what other people think of us, and we would rather deal with challenging situations by ourselves than let others in.

2. Misperception of our own limits

Sometimes, we become so immobilized by our fear that we become blind to the simple actions we can take which can drastically improve our situation.

3. Inability to empathize

Of course it is bad to suppress negative emotions, but dwelling on them is not helpful either. How can we find a way to effectively acknowledge the difficult things we are facing, but also move on and choose something better?